Where's MY bailout?!

So the government has a responsibility to me, right? They're supposed to keep me happy, healthy, and wealthy, right? Well they're failing. Since we've had a new president they've failed miserably. See, I have no chapstick. I'm in agonies of chapped-lip pain, and nobody's come yet to smear my lips, give me money, and tell me everything is going to be alright as long as I let them take care of everything. I need chapstick bailout money. My lips are in desperate need of a stimulus plan. Where are you when I need you, Obama?